“Mommy, what’s the matter?”
My son can sense it. The tension and worry that saturates my heart oozes from my presence. “I just have so much on my mind. I forgot to do something, that’s all,” I replied.
But that’s not all. I say it like it’s not a big deal. But from the mouth of a child, his question reminds me that I shouldn’t feel this way. This burden I’m carrying on my shoulders seems to get heavier with each new day. Lately, my to-do lists have to-do lists.
With a hectic, busy life, full of responsibilities, I’m afraid I’ll forget something crucial and important. I worry that if I don’t do it (and there’s always an it), then no one else will. So I try to keep everything under my control. I’m constantly reminding myself of what I have to do. “I can’t forget this… ” “I better do that first thing tomorrow.” “It would be bad if I didn’t do this…” I focus on all the “what if’s,” and the worry consumes me. My child can see it because it’s etched across my face.
Yet I am fooling myself. I’m not really in control of anything. I could write a thousand to-do lists, and it wouldn’t matter. God is in control, not me. I’ve been bitten by a serpent-shaped lie that says I can orchestrate all the details of my life. That I can plan them and execute all on my own. The lie then produces fear when the reality crashes in that I actually can’t do it at all.
Because rather than being in control of all that I fear, fear has gotten control of me.